We’ll think about walking, then. I can escort you around the square, a little old fashioned courting.
[He gives Tav’s hand a squeeze and tugs him a little closer before setting them on their way again. Around the Elfsong is as good a spot as any for a short stroll, lanterns still on in a building or two nearby and the haunting figure of one of Gortash’s steel watchers lurking nearer the square, for better or worse.]
I did hear him. I… [He frowns, thoughtful.] I would like to tell you that’s not really you. It is you, as much as — [He taps the orb mark.] This, or Astarion’s vampirism or Lae’zel’s upbringing.
I know it’s different for you. But we’ve all had the opportunity to make different decisions — to change. And you’ve been trying, harder than any of us I think.
[Tav keeps a firm grip on Gale's hand as they walk, his mind still buzzing from the nightmare. What if they've already been infiltrated by an imposter? What if these dreams are doing nothing but keeping Tav from a good night's rest?]
Have I? Will any change I make ever be enough when those urges remain inside me? I could wake up one day and slaughter all of you.
[Tav squeezes Gale's hand again, seeking out reassurance that the monster being kept at bay isn't one blackout away from killing their entire party.]
I could have blown up half the Sword Coast if I let Astarion needle me long enough, a few days ago.
[He still could, if he wanted. Better not to dwell too long on that — especially not now. Gale lifts Tav’s hand to press a soft kiss to the back of it.
He furrows his brow at that comparison, however, and his tone is firmer when he speaks again.]
I won’t indulge that. You aren’t Orin. Whatever you’ve been before, you’re making someone new of yourself. Someone selfless and empathetic. Maybe she could have become that too, if she’d been the one to fall in with our lot — but you did.
[Tav pauses the walk when Gale presses a kiss to the back of his freckled hand. He does his best to listen, to really swallow down the words Gale is speaking, but his mind returns, as it often does, to Alfira. That brave girl, wanting nothing more than to participate in their adventures, struck down and brutalized for all the camp to see.
Tav could still remember the warmth of her blood soaking into his skin and how some part of him enjoyed it. Tav had been too horrified to even think of denying his obvious involvement, but with no idea what could have caused it, there was no way to avenge her.
[Gale pauses with him, turning to examine Tav’s troubled expression beneath the dim light of one of the street lanterns.]
I don’t mean to diminish her death, or how the act haunts you. I wish one of us had woken up. I wish something had been different.
[He takes Tav’s hand in both of his, holding it to his chest.]
But you could have killed me that night, and you didn’t. You could have betrayed the grove, or Isobel, or even left our poor owlbear with the goblins. You have had any number of opportunities be the person you fear you still are, and you continue to choose another path.
[Tav still has nightmares of the near miss with Gale, still remembers how his hands called for him to strangle Gale or worse. He'd've never forgiven himself if he'd laid a finger on Gale. But now his hands are being held tight by the man he nearly killed.
He doesn't deserve Gale. Not in any version of this story. Not when Gale could be a god and all Tav seemed to do is remind him of the benefits of being human, that Tav loved Gale as he is, that he would rather they make love on a bed in the forest than in a manifestation of eternal lovers.]
's not without trying; I still have those urges. I might never be free of them.
And some part of me will always want the crown, I think.
[Gale reaches up to tuck a bit of Tav’s hair behind his ear; they’re both still mussed from sleep, too hurried to do more than get presentable enough to leave the inn.]
But every day we must all decide whether or not we want to choose our better nature. You’ve shown me there is worth in choosing mine, and I will endeavor every day to do the same for you. We all will.
[Tav nods, stepping in closer to Gale in order to lean against him, absorb the offered warmth and comfort. Perhaps they can beat this after all, he just needs to keep in the present.]
Thank you.
[Tav looks at the Elfsong and then back to Gale.] Think I'm ready to catch some more sleep.
I love you. [Gale brushes a kiss to the top of Tav’s head, reaching to tangle their fingers together for the short walk back to the Elfsong and the comfort of their room.]
If you dream again, promise you’ll wake me up? We don’t have to talk, but I’d have been so worried if I’d woken up and didn’t know where you were.
Love you too. [As soon as they step into their room, Tav replaces the arcane lock and shucks his boots. He climbs back into bed, patting it for Gale to join him.]
[Tav eagerly kisses Gale back until they’re both settled beneath the blankets and Tav is brought in close to Gale’s chest. Hopefully this will keep the nightmares away.]
[Gale cards his fingers through Tav's hair as he settles in, listening for the gentle, even breathing Gale's grown fond of falling asleep to. It feels so loud here in the silence of their rented room, without the wind and rustling of flora and fauna surrounding them, or the crackling of their campfire and shuffling of their other companions.
A part of him wants to stay awake, to keep watch or be ready should another nightmare come to Tav. But with so much at stake and the threat of Orin looming, none of them can really afford a sleepless night.
Eventually, satisfied Tav's settled into the deep sleep he deserves, Gale presses one last kiss to his hair and finally lets himself doze off.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 07:09 pm (UTC)I don't want to think about your death. She could be anywhere, watching, learning how we interact.
[The nightmare is not so easily shaken free yet, but having Gale beside him, hand-in-hand certainly helps.]
You heard what Gortash said: I caused all this. I don't deserve better.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 07:24 pm (UTC)[He gives Tav’s hand a squeeze and tugs him a little closer before setting them on their way again. Around the Elfsong is as good a spot as any for a short stroll, lanterns still on in a building or two nearby and the haunting figure of one of Gortash’s steel watchers lurking nearer the square, for better or worse.]
I did hear him. I… [He frowns, thoughtful.] I would like to tell you that’s not really you. It is you, as much as — [He taps the orb mark.] This, or Astarion’s vampirism or Lae’zel’s upbringing.
I know it’s different for you. But we’ve all had the opportunity to make different decisions — to change. And you’ve been trying, harder than any of us I think.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 07:32 pm (UTC)Have I? Will any change I make ever be enough when those urges remain inside me? I could wake up one day and slaughter all of you.
[Tav squeezes Gale's hand again, seeking out reassurance that the monster being kept at bay isn't one blackout away from killing their entire party.]
I might as well be Orin.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 07:45 pm (UTC)[He still could, if he wanted. Better not to dwell too long on that — especially not now. Gale lifts Tav’s hand to press a soft kiss to the back of it.
He furrows his brow at that comparison, however, and his tone is firmer when he speaks again.]
I won’t indulge that. You aren’t Orin. Whatever you’ve been before, you’re making someone new of yourself. Someone selfless and empathetic. Maybe she could have become that too, if she’d been the one to fall in with our lot — but you did.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 08:01 pm (UTC)Tav could still remember the warmth of her blood soaking into his skin and how some part of him enjoyed it. Tav had been too horrified to even think of denying his obvious involvement, but with no idea what could have caused it, there was no way to avenge her.
Not until Orin showed up.]
What about Alfira?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 08:19 pm (UTC)[Gale pauses with him, turning to examine Tav’s troubled expression beneath the dim light of one of the street lanterns.]
I don’t mean to diminish her death, or how the act haunts you. I wish one of us had woken up. I wish something had been different.
[He takes Tav’s hand in both of his, holding it to his chest.]
But you could have killed me that night, and you didn’t. You could have betrayed the grove, or Isobel, or even left our poor owlbear with the goblins. You have had any number of opportunities be the person you fear you still are, and you continue to choose another path.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 08:26 pm (UTC)He doesn't deserve Gale. Not in any version of this story. Not when Gale could be a god and all Tav seemed to do is remind him of the benefits of being human, that Tav loved Gale as he is, that he would rather they make love on a bed in the forest than in a manifestation of eternal lovers.]
's not without trying; I still have those urges. I might never be free of them.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 08:32 pm (UTC)[Gale reaches up to tuck a bit of Tav’s hair behind his ear; they’re both still mussed from sleep, too hurried to do more than get presentable enough to leave the inn.]
But every day we must all decide whether or not we want to choose our better nature. You’ve shown me there is worth in choosing mine, and I will endeavor every day to do the same for you. We all will.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 08:37 pm (UTC)Thank you, for believing in me.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 09:00 pm (UTC)I hesitate to think of where I might be, were it not for you. Whatever happens, I will be by your side. You don't have to endure this alone.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 09:10 pm (UTC)Thank you.
[Tav looks at the Elfsong and then back to Gale.] Think I'm ready to catch some more sleep.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 09:23 pm (UTC)If you dream again, promise you’ll wake me up? We don’t have to talk, but I’d have been so worried if I’d woken up and didn’t know where you were.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 09:27 pm (UTC)Promise.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 09:45 pm (UTC)We can weather anything together, my dear.
[He settles back into the sheets, gently tugging Tav against his chest and drawing the sheets over both of them.] Get some rest.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 10:59 pm (UTC)Do my best.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-19 11:38 pm (UTC)A part of him wants to stay awake, to keep watch or be ready should another nightmare come to Tav. But with so much at stake and the threat of Orin looming, none of them can really afford a sleepless night.
Eventually, satisfied Tav's settled into the deep sleep he deserves, Gale presses one last kiss to his hair and finally lets himself doze off.]